I've had so many dreams of my future life since i was a kid, well daydreaming is one of a thing that i'm good at. Daydreaming, night thinking. Terrible because i had problems in focusing my mind. Is that what's called adhd?
Today didn't go well i had schedule arrangement which is really disappointing for me. Isn't everything you said disappointing for you? Oh no this is a place for me to rant and not to grace god for all the good things in my life because trust me, i'm really grateful of everything, but sometimes i just need some time to accept the reality. And besides i don't want to sound like bragging myself. Altan was calling eleven times and tagging me on his instagram photos crying over school (i feel you bruh!) and we both triggered because he said he wanted to die and i tried so hard not to tell him that i feel the same and i want to do the same so he won't assume that it's okay to kill or cut himself (tried to hold back bestfriends-weepings as hard as not using bad words on my blog posts). The teachers were also arranged and my social anxiety came out badly too. I have no moodbooster at school. Someone please send me to a school with night class so i can have some moodboosters... Mm hot purebloods. DAMN YOU ADHD I'M TRYING TO FOCUS! (or blame kaname kuran bc i'm currently reading vk manga)
So i wanted to be a teacher, a pilot, an astronaut, a soldier, a scientist, a film director, a guitarist (well i'm a guitar player now and i've.....rejected like 4 invitation to be a guitarist in a band this year.... But i mean i wanted to be a pro guitarist for a famous rock band, you know), a writer, and some other jobs but i don't remember what are them. One of them is to be a psychologist.
The reason is i've experienced so many mental states since i was kid... Parents divorced, severe bullying, hallucination, childs rehab stuffs, etc. And once my mom took me to a place to find my hidden talents like what ugh i don't know what's the name i mean it's not the institution's name because i never mention stuffs like that (this blog is my personal opinion, experiences, and never meant to mock other people/institution) but DAMN IT'S a place to get to know your potentials and hidden talents using your fingerprints damn it's the simplest that i can say. And on the result there was a potential for me to be a psychologist. I don't know why was i happy because of that i should think that i can't even handle myself how could i help others? Burden. I became more realistic now too that i'm in the social program instead of science program at school so i can't be some of them. (additional story, i wanted to apply to a military high school but the only thing that matters is my health conditions)
Everytime i went to a therapist, or consultant, or whatever you called it i always thought that hey, everybody could take a psychology major at college. So they might not a person with an ability to ubderstand people, maybe not based from personal experiences or empathy, but based from theories they have learned, maybe? I guess mental problems kind of hard to explain. I've read soo many articles about mental disorders but they seem just to talk about it on the surface. Of course the symptoms will be various and never be exactly the same. Me and some of my friends who have met the psycholodist know, that the only person who can save ouselves is our own self. Well and god, obviously, because i believe nothing can happen without god's blessing. I never really see any useful advices that she gave to me. But thanks to her at least i know. I won't be saying that psychologists are only there for money. That's rude and it's not completely true. Maybe the problem is in me with my high level anxiety, i can't receive any suggestion that i can't even suggest myself.
Maybe i should go try a hypnotherapy? Clear your mind, left only one thing on your mind.... For a person like me it's not going to happen i guess. Is that even working? Okay done with this self mindblowing post. Actually i feel like i never done blogging or otherwise i should be stop blogging at some point. I'm not perfect. I'm confused. I don't have any summary because i don't even know what's this post about. Other than that, i will always be here anytime for a moral support for everyone, i tried and i'm still trying and i will always try to help anyone in needs if i can because i do know and understand how it feels to feel alone, depressed, unwanted, unloved, and those sad dark feelings. You're not alone, fighters & warriors (even though i keep saying i'm a lone survivor by that i just mean i'm a loner........not really, i face and bear anyhthing by myself, it's right). My eyes shoulders and fingers are hurt. I'm going to watch noragami.
P.s. I have time to blog because i guess we won't have regular classes tomorrow.