Sunday, 11 October 2015

Mom doesn't approve any jokes about death

Mom always hates it whenever i joke about death in any occassion. Like everytime i get sick, i do hate the fact that i'm just a burden so i would just tell her to rest. I'm okay and don't mind me. I love her and i'd do anything to protect her, and i hate to be a burden for her. She would say thay it's been like that since i was a baby. I didn't ask to have health problems since i was kid. If i die, she would have less problems. She always hates that. I want to be alive to protect you but seems like you're the one who's dying to protect me.
And just when i forgot about that and back to my twisted mind, for a vacation from the walking dead marathon and a productive sunday, i tried a new thing called DAS, it looked like clay but actually it doesn't. More like paper... pulp? And it's hard to shape it so i kinda disappointed. I made some 'weird' little stuffs. The first one was a tiny little pumpkin which is cute so i gave my mom that. Then i made a tombstone. Which carved my name there just for my own fun. It's hard to stick and i'm proud of how it turned out so i showed my mom that. I hadn't tell her yet when she called me in shock, "Nez? What is that? What is that for? What do you mean by that? It's not fun." And she acted like she was crying. I laughed and i lied that i need to need a copyright on my masterpiece. And she just accepted that like that. But i feel guilty until now. She would feel uneasy with things like that.
She actually has been ALWAYS supporting me anytime, anywhere. She's not perfect and sometimes she doesn't know what she's doing. But she loves me to death and she's very kind. She even support me when i wanted to collect scary sacred stuffs like jenglot, and other stuffs because my friends said that on one of our school event, they saw a suspicious shop. Near taman budaya yogyakarta, one if them saw this said shop and pointed at it and the shop's went off, and on again. The shopkeeper who was an old man were staring at them. Then they talked again and pointed at the shop again and the lights went of again. Weird. They said it sold creepy things like cards, stones&gems, hairs, dried bats/rats, mini human (yes he believed it was a tiny real human) and rings and kerises, etc. I wanted to look if they sold ouija board so i told mom to drive me there, but we saw nothing. Anyway when they told the story and i was really excited about it they kinda pissed by that and warned me scary things. I know maybe once i went there, there might be something creepy following me to home. I know i shouldn't be there, but at least i just want to see the what was the shop like.
I once saw an antique little shop in bringharjo market but there wasn't scary things. At least wasn't scary enough to scare me. When i was using creepy pasta pic of russian asylum patient, which is popular, we were in the middle of exam and when they argued over something i appeared in the group and start discusing about that. And they hated my pic. And i have always been using this scary bended-girl as my wallpaper and just when my friends looked at my phone (which is hardly ever happened) they almost throw my phone away. I'm not a coward. I understand that i'm scared, but i've always been scared to those things and i'm still alive being alone in the darkness all this time. That's okay then? Testing myself to go out my bedroom in the middle of the night and walking around... Being separated away from a group outdoor at night to see how brave i am with my heart pounding and stomach twisting. How brave i am around a snake or car or dog because i hate animals (i love animals but i hate them around, trust me i always wanted to be a vegan). I made it. Or at least i know how far i can stand it. People scares me more than those things.
That's it. I have school tomorrow and my thighs hurt because yesterday on p.e. on a game i had punishment to squatjump. In front of everyone. I hate it so much omg. Then we grouped 4 people but the girls had already grouped all and i had to group with boys and they got me punished (squatjump) along because all they did was playing around duh. Then we had 4 gymnastic practices: backbend, backward and forward roll, and candlestick. I passed all of them except backward roll perfectly. The other girls were struggling because they could at least only 2 positions. I forced myself to do the backward roll because i didn't want to write assignment because i didn't pass, but we still have next week. Here i am, my body hurts all over. I used to have daily excercises like sit ups, plank, and pushups but not anymore. But i'm still way better on gymnastics than cardio, though.