Thursday, 12 November 2015

Surgery update #2

It's 5am i'm too lazy to write this, but let's hope i have the time to finish this blogpost. Besides, i know that once i start writing, i won't stop lol.

Thursday, 12-11-2015
After i had "cold" the night before, i woke up at 5:30am to have breakfast. My entire body was still hurt and i had headache. I didn't want to eat anything but grandma forced me to. I had breakfast and after waiting for a while (i can't sleep quickly after having meal, it makes me nauseated when i wake up), i went back to bed. And damn it i had the cold again. The cold was simply unbearable and discomforting, but i wasn't shivering like the night before and my fingertips weren't numb. I got back to sleep but i only got a couple minutes of sleep and woke up every once after a while. I had headache and backache, and i felt queasy, and that just made me didn't want to go out of bed even more. But i woke up twice around 8am to eat apples and to measure my blood pressure. It was very low, 105/52. Then i went back sleep. But at 10am i woke up because i heard mom got a call. It was from the hospital. They said that my doctor hadn't come back from abroad and delayed me to check in to the hospital the next day (friday) but mom insisted that the doctor said i would have the surgery at friday so i had to check in on thursday. The doctor messaged mom at that day that he could, but that was the last information from him, after that, he couldn't be reached at all. Then mom told the hospital that we would come to the hospital because we don't want to lose the room we had booked. Then i took a warm shower and had a little bit of lunch. Then grandma told me to go shalat dhuhur, and after we were done we went to the hospital at around 12pm.

Mom took care of the administration procedure and me and grandma and grandpa waited outside. It took 2 hours, probably, before we got to the preparation room. But the beds in preparation room was full, and we waited outside. When my name was called, me and mom were asked to sit down. Taking care of my documents, the nurse told us that my doctor couldn't be contacted, and the surgery wasn't urgent so we had to wait for the information from the doctor. But i told them that actually my surgery has delayed twice. Once when the first time i went to the oncology clinic on august, i had the usg (ultrasonography) there, but the doctor said he couldn't do the surgery on august because he was gonna go abroad etc. and told us to made an appointment to have the cosultation with him in the beginning of november. Mom booked a room in the hospital for  november 5th because the doctor said the surgery will be on november 6th. Then mom made an appointment for november 2nd. On november 2nd the doctor said he wouldn't be free again. But then he decided the surgery will be on november 13th, fixed. He wrote it on his calendar and marked it. He made a receipt to check in to the hospital and mom brought it. But now on nov 12th the clinic said that the doctor was still on furlough, and his family said he hadn't come back from abroad yet. The nurses said that he would only be back on nov 13th. Mom said that it's okay if i had to go home now, but the nurses had to make sure that there would be still a room for me the next day. In fact the doctor had decided that the surgery will be on nov 13th and i had to be hospitalized the day before. What if i still had the surgery for nov 13th and i haven't been hospitalized? What if the doctor thought that we couldn't keep the appointment? Besides mom had asked for school's permition that i would be absent since nov 12th. But no one knew yet when exactly i would have my surgery. But then, finally i was hospitalized but the hospital took no medical action (they didn't give me iv and meds, just blood pressure and temperature check once in a few hours).

By the way, i met my classmate's mom in the hospital.


By the way, i met my classmate's mom in the hospital. I knew her because i've come to her house 3 times for band practice and my class' event. She came into me without a nurse's uniform and saw me like "umm i guess i've ever met this kid... where did i meet her? Is she one of my daughter's friends?" —let's say her daughter's name is Fergie, because i don't feel like mentioning real people's names on my blogposts— but she just walked pass me and ignored me while talking with the nurse who was taking care of my data. But i did a mistake when she left. I asked to the nurse... like this, maybe.
"Does that woman work here?" | "Which woman?" | "That woman who just sat there." | "Oh, yes, she works on emergency departments. What's up?" | *ugh i can't lie* "That was my classmate's mom." | "Oh, Fergie?" | *uugh she knows Fergie too* "Yeah, Fergie." | "Are you her junior high friend or senior high?" | "Senior high school." | "Oh what is it... um..." | "SMA 2." | "Ohh i see, so you're around my child ('s age) also..."
Damn i really regretted it what if the nurse tell Fergie's mom that i was going to have surgery?

After that, another nurse took me to my room, walking. Grandma, grandpa, and cacha just helped mom to bring my stuff there then went home. Not long after that, a nurse came in and told the information and rules, about being hospitalized there. She also brought some brochure about medical topics related to me, but the most interesting was the brochure about anesthetics. It scared me out. There written the kinds of anesthesia, pros and cons, side effects, and what else i don't remember duh i think i lost the brochure now. I thought, "of course it has a lot of side effects because my nerves are forced to sleep!" Plus i've heard about anesthesia that tragically went wrong from people who had experienced surgery with general anesthesia.

After that i spent the day doing nothing, laying down in bed, take a look to the garden from my balcony (because they didn't put iv in me), the nurses came to check my blod pressure and temperature, then left, while informing they were still trying to contact my doctor. At night, a general doctor visited me and i told her that i had headache and i felt squeasy. She was funny and kind. She told me that she was gonna give me a medicine, just i forgot the name of the meds. But until now (yes, today, wednesday) i didn't receive any meds that she mentioned. I guessed that was because of my surgery? And later at night, maybe around 10pm-00am when i was already asleep, an anesthesiologist visited me with a nurse. The nurse told me that the surgery will be at 12:30pm friday nov 13th, and the anesthesiologist told me that i would have my general anesthesia through the iv and i had to fast since 6am. I thanked God and asked him, is there any side effects that might happened to me, and he said of course yes, like lungs or heart blockage. Me and mom shocked. But then he said "let's hope it won't happen." I said yeah and him and the nurse left the room. I continued my sleep but awake at 1am to write the surgery update #1 blogpost and eat fried egg with instant noodles inside because i realized i didn't have much time left to eat lol.

Surgery update #1

It's 1:00am in the hospital and i'm awake to write a blogpost yay!

I'm sorry for not updating for a long time, i was pretty busy with school. Here's a chronology since 2 days ago.

Wednesday 12-11-2015
I had a blood test, urine test, and lungs x-ray at one of diagnostic lab in my town. This was the first medical check up for today (friday). I went to the lab at 6am, and i was fasting since the night before (8pm). Then i was late coming to school, i arrived at 7am. My friends who were also late were surprised knowing that i was never late coming to school. They asked me what happened and saw my bandage at my left inner elbow (if you know what i mean, i don't know what's the name of that body part in english) and asked me did i just had a medical check up. I shortly answer yeah i just had a blood test. Then we went in. Some of them saw me like, "do you really have to wear short uniform and still put that bandage? Attention seeker." Some of the others just asked me what happened. First, i caught in the rain the day before so i had to get my long uniform washed, but it hadn't dried at the time yet. My other long uniform was too tight so i wouldn't be able to roll the sleeve to had the blood test, so i wore my short uniform and they could see my bandage. Second, i usually put the bandage off a couple of minutes after the blood test, but at that time the part where the bandage was was still hurt, so i wasn't feel like to take it off. True, in the afternoon, i took the bandage off and it was bruised. Grandma told me to put some voltaren in it and i did. But it didn't make any difference.

Back to the school, refy, who knew about the surgery, asked me "when will you have the surgery? On friday, right? The 13th?" i shocked and said, "WAIT, WHAT? MY SURGERY WILL BE ON FRIDAY THE 13TH?!" And she seemed just realized what i meant and she said, "if you don't believe at that stuffs, you'll be okay. Please be optimist." I was so scared but then calmed down and thought maybe she's right.

In the evening, i simply felt cold and rolled up in the blanket like i always did. Then i put a salonpas (hotter muscle gel) in my bruise. Damn it was really hot i cried ;-; then cacha helped me cool it down with hand held fan. When it wasn't as hot as the first time, she stopped. Then a couple minutes later, i start shivering. To a really abnormal shivering. Yes, i did feel cold. I searched what made me shivering like that. I took a cold shower and wash my hair in the afternoon. I turned the aircon on. I wore a sleeveless housedress. But that was usual and should not matter. Why was i shivering so hard? That wasn't supposed to happen. I'm sensitive to cold but as long as i remembered, i hadn't experienced cold like that. I put another thicker blanket. Not getting warmer. I told my sister to hug me. Not getting warmer. I put another even thicker blanket. Not getting warmer. I put a jacket, a long pants, and a pair of socks over my housedress. Not getting warmer. My fingers were numb. I woke up and went to the bathroom and soaked my hands and feet in warm water. Not getting warmer. I went back to my bed in all of the said clothes and 3 blanket and rubbed my hands together with eucalyptus oil and drink a couple sips of warm milk. Not even getting warmer! That was really not fun. But that was 9pm and i had no idea what should i do anymore and i felt really sleepy. I supposed that i had hypothermia and that was the last thing i remembered before i slept. Then i woke up at 0am and felt soo hot with the aircon off, 3 blankets, and said clothes. My hands were really hot, my back was sweating (i hardly sweating even when i had sports idk why), and my muscles were hurt. I took off the jacket and only wore a blanket then go back to sleep again.

Okay it's almost 2am, and i have to go back to sleep because today is the surgery day. I'll update soon about Thursday.

Monday, 2 November 2015

H-1 surgery???

Hello i've been not on the web lately. Just streamed random stuffs on youtube. This week has been so rough and full of shit. My friends changed. Everything changed. Discovered a lot of new things about my friends. I found out that there was a rumor that said i was a lesbian WHICH IS NOT TRUE. Had a big problem with my close friends. Had someone confessed a truth about me. I don't even know who is the real enemy. I feel numb. I don't know where to start, i got so desperate to fix this all. I know that my high school life won't ever be like normal kids have. It all has ruined. I felt suicidal with no one to share my thoughts. Do you ever get a feeling where you just think that you don't have any purpose in this world, that you just simply exist, and die. I'll die anyway. I will die alone and when i arrive i won't know anyone. I didn't live this life to the fullest, i'd try anything but not praying? I have faith and i did good, never wanted to hurt anyone. But i'm not a saint either. I'm a sinner without victim with no one to share my sin. I live for my own self, it's okay if i don't do anything matters anymore, if i just breathing, if i just stay quiet when everyone, when this world, when this life, push me down to sink. I'll bear the pain on my own. Like i always did.

Tomorrow night i had a check up before surgery. Mom had booked a room in the hospital for me. I want this to pass ASAP. I can't see my mom bear the pain for me every night anymore. But i just had a flu, dammit. Tbh i'm scared to have surgery for the first time but it didn't make me do the complete 5 times prayer or even the sunnah ones. I just pray to Allah i get what the best. I ironically stapled my fingertip today and after bleeding it became swollen and purple and numb now hope nothing bad happens about it. I don't care about school anymore rn. But will it surprise me if i passed away bc this surgery? I know with all of the technologies and everything the possibility that i won't make it out is little. But i had a terrible immune system. I feel numb and can only submit to my fate.

I don't know what else to write.

Sunday, 11 October 2015

Mom doesn't approve any jokes about death

Mom always hate it whenever i joke about death in any occassion. Like everytime i get sick, i do hate the fact that i'm just a burden so i would just tell her to rest. I'm okay and don't mind me. I love her and i'd do anything to protect her, and i hate to be a burden for her. She would say thay it's been like that since i was a baby. I didn't ask to have health problems since i was kid. If i die, she would have less problems. She always hates that. I want to be alive to protect you but seems like you're the one who's dying to protect me.

And just when i forgot about that and back to my twisted mind, for a vacation from the walking dead marathon and a productive sunday, i tried a new thing called DAS, it looked like clay but actually it doesn't. More like paper... pulp? And it's hard to shape it so i kinda disappointed. I made some 'weird' little stuffs. The first one was a tiny little pumpkin which is cute so i gave my mom that. Then i made a tombstone. Which carved my name there just for my own fun. It's hard to stick and i'm proud of how it turned out so i showed my mom that. I hadn't tell her yet when she called me in shock, "Nez? What is that? What is that for? What do you mean by that? It's not fun." And she acted like she was crying. I laughed and i lied that i need to need a copyright on my masterpiece. And she just accepted that like that. But i feel guilty until now. She would feel uneasy with things like that.

She actually has been ALWAYS supporting me anytime, anywhere. She's not perfect and sometimes she doesn't know what she's doing. But she loves me to death and she's very kind. She even support me when i wanted to collect scary sacred stuffs like jenglot, and other stuffs because my friends said that on one of our school event, they saw a suspicious shop. Near taman budaya yogyakarta, one if them saw this said shop and pointed at it and the shop's went off, and on again. The shopkeeper who was an old man were staring at them. Then they talked again and pointed at the shop again and the lights went of again. Weird. They said it sold creepy things like cards, stones&gems, hairs, dried bats/rats, mini human (yes he believed it was a tiny real human) and rings and kerises, etc. I wanted to look if they sold ouija board so i told mom to drive me there, but we saw nothing. Anyway when they told the story and i was really excited about it they kinda pissed by that and warned me scary things. I know maybe once i went there, there might be something creepy following me to home. I know i shouldn't be there, but at least i just want to see the what was the shop like.

I once saw an antique little shop in bringharjo market but there wasn't scary things. At least wasn't scary enough to scare me. When i was using creepy pasta pic of russian asylum patient, which is popular, we were in the middle of exam and when they argued over something i appeared in the group and start discusing about that. And they hated my pic. And i have always been using this scary bended-girl as my wallpaper and just when my friends looked at my phone (which is hardly ever happened) they almost throw my phone away. I'm not a coward. I understand that i'm scared, but i've always been scared to those things and i'm still alive being alone in the darkness all this time. That's okay then? Testing myself to go out my bedroom in the middle of the night and walking around... Being separated away from a group outdoor at night to see how brave i am with my heart pounding and stomach twisting. How brave i am around a snake or car or dog because i hate animals (i love animals but i hate them around, trust me i always wanted to be a vegan). I made it. Or at least i know how far i can stand it. People scares me more than those things.

That's it. I have school tomorrow and my thighs hurt because yesterday on p.e. on a game i had punishment to squatjump. In front of everyone. I hate it so much omg. Then we grouped 4 people but the girls had already grouped all and i had to group with boys and they got me punished (squatjump) along because all they did was playing around duh. Then we had 4 gymnastic practices: backbend, backward and forward roll, and candlestick. I passed all of them except backward roll perfectly. The other girls were struggling because they could at least only 2 positions. I forced myself to do the backward roll because i didn't want to write assignment because i didn't pass, but we still have next week. Here i am, my body hurts all over. I used to have daily excercises like sit ups, plank, and pushups but not anymore. But i'm still way better on gymnastics than cardio, though.

Tuesday, 6 October 2015

medical check up

Just got home from a medical check up at an oncology clinic. Did the procedure again, with the doctor, and ultrasonography. Hurt like hell. The thing is getting bigger. Fast. Idk, i should pray more and feel a little fear or something, but i don't, which feels wrong. I feel like i'm too tired from all these things. This is my first time, and even once i thought that it must be scary for me to have someone cut open my skin and take a little part of my body and flesh and sew it back. Plus what if the Anesthetic doesn't work, either i wake up in the middle of surgery or i still half unsconcious and i feel the doctor put his hand inside my flesh and feel the pain, or my nerves won't relax and it ruins the process or what, please, i hope that will never happens. (Maybe that's just because i read too many creepypastas?) But say, what else can make me feel afraid? I must have been gone through the worse, and i should survive this surgery even though i'm not sure because i have issues with my health... wait, am i really ready to die? I'm just really tired. This is the worst midterms ever. I had an irritation. My skin and lips feel itchy. I'm having flu and sore throat. I'm just, tired. Tired of all. I don't know how to tell anyone at school if i skipped school from surgery, they will blame me either if i don't tell them, i only tell some, or tell them all. Yeah they basically make fun of everything and i don't trust them so i actually don't want to tell anyone at school. All of these thoughts make me restless and tired. You wouldn't understand that. I don't know what to do.

K i have to sleep because it's 11:01pm and i have school tomorrow bye

Wednesday, 23 September 2015

King for a day

Yo i've been really busy lately. I've got a good news and a bad news. The good news is that now i'm no longer a nerdie who didn't join any events, organizations, or extracurricular at school. The bad news is; Which is kinda sad.

I didn't remember when it all started, but i'm in a band now. Officially, i guess. All this time i had just been being in fangirl/fanboy-based band. Well actually when i was on the first grade, i knew that my class got musical talent —not all of the people, underline that. Just most of the people— especially nice voices. That was great, so we could sing and play guitar together most of the time. So i didn't look like a total useless loner. And they had an idea to have a class soundcloud so we could do covers, so i made them a soundcloud (don't be surprised, they didn't even appreciate me for that). And at the end of the year somehow i had a fangirl-based acoustic band which covers mostly one ok rock songs. We got close even i still think that i'm the most left out one, because i don't like kpops.

And on the second grade, there was a huge school event for our school's 50th anniversary, with isyana sarasvati as guest star, and the commitee arranged a band selection to perform in that event. I didn't join the selection because i had already felt tired with all of the school stuffs that i had to deal with (school starts on 6:30am, go home at 2pm everyday except sunday, and rumour says that we'll still have scout every saturday which means we'll go home at around 5pm every saturday, and plus major struggle in catching up with the lessons that i missed because i have to skip schools weekly because of my illness). But after my class' band passed the selection, cacak, my closest friend in the band asked me to join them. We only had 5 days left so we practiced everyday until night at the studio to perform 3 songs. It was really tiring. And troublesome. They liked to make everything seems so complicated.

The event had done. Not really bad, i guess. I didn't have any documentations because well who would photograph me. At the moment i feel like i'm not a band member, i'm only a guitarist to the vocal group (we had 4 singers). I asked them to send me a pic, just a fricking picture. I don't care if i don't look prominent in the photo just please, send me a picture. They always had their excuses so i don't have one until now. It fricking hurts. No lie. Why is it so hard for them to send me a picture? I had always been feeling like i wouldn't get along with them, but this problem got me felt worse.

Then after the event just done, we only had 6 days left for other school's event, an acoustic band competition. We split up into two bands and having new members for the bands. Kinda hard to find a nice cajon player. Our biggest problem. We had to perform 2 songs, one was a traditional song that they chose, and an optional songs which we had to choose. And from all of the songs, my band chose rather be by clean bandit. We had to do the arrangement to make it acoustic, don't you know? I know the vocalists wanted it so bad so i patiently asked them to choose other song for a back up song, but they didn't. Well. I tried hard to play it and yeah i made it. The performance didn't feel good and we didn't win so i'll skip that part. By the way here we had official managers.

After the competition was done, we asked by other class' student to be a guest star in our tiny school event but we skipped that because we couldn't come. And next, my senior who is a radio broadcaster, asked us to have an interview and perform one song in one of the big radio in my town. We accepted it, and through the interview (only with the vocalists) they sounded like they were really arrogant and way too self-confident that made me kind of uncomfortable. But that was okay. We performed. Just not our best performance. A little bit out of tune at some parts.

I still have an event left, a big one too. And i just got an offer by my friend who was a commitee in the acoustic band competition that i mentioned earlier. A big apartment in our town would hold an event and it wanted to invite some bands to perform, with payment, without a competition. They asked my said friend to give them the list of acoustic band on the competition. She told me to tell my managers, but i still hestitate to do that.

First, i don't think that our band is great enough. Second, my friend wouldn't appreciate me for that. Ikr that they're a bit egoistic. I DO want to perform, because i can get payment and experience, but not, please, i don't want to perform with them. Honestly. Tbh i kind of scared to say all of this here (this entire blog should be read only after i die) but hey i have freedom to speak up my mind. They don't even think what i felt all this time. They don't understand what i had been going through for them.

What i'm trying to say here is that i'm confused with my current band. All this time they only come to me when they need something. I do all my best too to perform with them because it's also my dream. Home is supposed to be a place where my heart is, but this isn't home. They left me out. I did what they told me to do, i did the arrangement, i practiced hard, i did all i could for them. They don't even seem to realize that. It hurts me the most. I'm not saying that they can't do it without me (well maybe yes tbh), but i'm saying that if only i'm strong enough to say this, i can have a better band, and it's not them. Who needs who? I may sound arrogant, but for this time, i won't be dragged low by you all, in my specialty. But i won't leave this band. I really want to leave, and there are a lot of stories of how they hurt me most of the times, but let's be honest i also need them to keep me going with my social life. These kind of things kill me alive.

Plis this little section wants to tell you my songs of the month:
Sekai no owari - anti hero
Korn - hater
Hello sleepwalkers - goya no machiawase
And a little bit info that i'm learning german autodidact.
And i may have a surgery after midterms. Nobody knows that yet yay.

I know i shouldn't talk bad about my own bands. But i couldn't help it so let me be. I've been nice. My band is also great, underline that. Thanks to them. Or with a little addition, it should be if you didn't read this post. I'm sorry.

I'm going to continue rewatch the walking dead i only have 3 days left before midterms bye (p.s. I've been studying hard and i never cheated on my tests so i have the rights of having bad grades [which is never, thanks to god] and having fun with my favorite stuffs (anime, movies, foods, fanfics, webtoons, mangas, driving/riding alone, etc)

Saturday, 29 August 2015


I just arrived at home after a singing competition (karaoke competition?). I'm not always like to tell my experience in a competition but now i'm just in the mood so yeah. And like always I FEEL ASHAMED I FEEL LIKE I DIDN'T DO MY BEST I WASN'T GOOD ENOUGH WHY DID I JOIN THE CONTEST??

So, on 10 august naya sent me a pamphlet of a japanese singing selection for a big event in my town, jogja japan week. She asked me to sing duet with her. I wasn't sure at first (the judging criteria was performance, vocal, and pronounciation), but then i was like, "hell yeah why don't just give it a try? She knows what my voice like, though." I like to try new things and i'm okay with that. She sent me the song and we agreed to sing departure by scandal. I took haruna's part and naya took the tomomi's part. I listened to the song to memorize the lyrics.

At 19 august i got sick, like always, cough and influenza. I tried to maintain my healt before it got worse, but like always, it didn't work. At around 21 august i gave up and asked naya if she had signed us up for the competition and she said no because she thought that i maybe sick and she already noticed that i wouldn't get better for around 2 weeks. Also she didn't want to perform solo. It eased me. But after that we still tried to sing it together.

At around 23(?) august she told me that it was clear she wasn't going to go because she would have to attend one of our senior's invitation to her sweet seventeen party. But then at the evening she told me that probably we would still perform because her mom and her sensei (which one of the committee) expected her to. And days passed and we haven't signed ourselves and attend the technical meeting. But somehow one day before the competition she has done them all thanks to her.

By the way, 4 days ago it started to be really busy, school have additional time so it starts on 6:30am every monday-friday. I went to a doctor since i didn't get better (not even now) and got antibiotics and codeine. I'm getting sick and worried if i consume too much medicines while i'm sick so often the virus/bacteria/or even my own immune system is getting harder to control since antibiotics possibly make a mutan bacteria. I felt sleepy every morning, i mean, really sleepy that i can't handle it, because i found out that i have to consume the codeine twice a day which mean every morning and evening. I guess the codeine is for my sore throat but isn't a sleeping drugs mean to put me in sleep condition (forcing the nerves to sleep) so the medicines can work better? What if i feel sleepy and force myself to not sleep? Kind of disturbing to think.

Today, after school, me, naya, cacak, and chika (4Sinners fullteam woo!) went to jogja expo centre. We lost a bit so we came to the place a little bit late. I felt thirsty so while naya signed us up, me and chika went around the food court looking for hot orange juice. But they said it wasn't available so i just ordered a hot tea. I regretted it as soon as i tasted it. My throat feels dry and itchy. I told them but i tried to keep looking calm.

I saw people around and thought, damn cool otakus here? Some of them dressed up like visual kei and there we were, me wearing a black bmth shirt and jeans, and naya wearing her one ok rock tshirt plus jeans and jeans jacket. By the way actually we wanted to perform in our scout uniform because we were too lazy but finally we changed because cacak and chika insisted to. I forgot to comb my hair and took off my glasses so there i was like a nerd metalhead in the wrong place.

Finally it came to our turn (gosh i don't want to remember the detail so i'm typing fast hoping i would forget it soon). It was my first time, i guess. I joined so many competition i couldn't remember (don't ask why i still have my stage fever and being shy, idk). The mc called our name and we entered the stage. I noticed it when i started singing not my entire voice came out, like i didn't sing the full part of the sentences but i didn't do anything about it. I saw people litterally was looking and laughing at me. Even the judges, which one of them is a cool hot nihonjin B') and then naya whispered softly "at least do anything even just a bit" then i just realized that i was standing frozen the entire time dammit!

So the final result is, we left the place as soon as we finished our performance. I saw the video of our performance which chika recorded and i feel like i wamt to punch my face. I litteraly just stood there without even moving my feet or hands, and my voice was so low and couldn't be heard and even when it's heard it sounds like i don't pronounce the entire sentence.. "sa-ra-no-ki--suga--tane" ew now i know why people laughed at me. Naya was moving around and sang loud and clearly while me beside her like a fricking potato. I'm used to be embarassed in a competition or performance, but i usually bear the shame by myself, now i feel guilty to naya. Thank god she could understand and she didn't blame me and she heard my entire voice beside her, even it wasn't come out from the ampli.

Thank cacak and chika for supporting us at that time and for recording the video. I didn't join my class' band for the school event saf supernova because i was sick but thank god they passed and they will perform on the event. It would be awesome to be able to meet isyana sarasvati backstage, duh. I even rejected the school theatre to play the guitar.

Now i have one performance left, in other school's event, which in my class it's divided into 2 groups, and i'm the only 4sinners member who's apart, sadly. But it's okay though, i don't hope too much for this since i'm not really clique with the other people in my group and i'm the only one who can play instrument well. I dislike this idea right from the start because the other classmates are 80% vocalists, and now they expect me to play guitar for them and join many competitions without many jamming time while they can just sing easily. Don't blame me. We weren't even close at the first place, how could i teach you all, i won't even be able to speak up my opinion! Oh yeah it's better that they make use of me than being useless, isn't it?

I'm eating a bowl of instant hot curry ramen idc anymore about my throat duh