Tuesday, 6 October 2015

medical check up

Just got home from a medical check up at an oncology clinic. Did the procedure again, with the doctor, and ultrasonography. Hurt like hell. The thing is getting bigger. Fast. Idk, i should pray more and feel a little fear or something, but i don't, which feels wrong. I feel like i'm too tired from all these things. This is my first time, and even once i thought that it must be scary for me to have someone cut open my skin and take a little part of my body and flesh and sew it back. Plus what if the Anesthetic doesn't work, either i wake up in the middle of surgery or i still half unsconcious and i feel the doctor put his hand inside my flesh and feel the pain, or my nerves won't relax and it ruins the process or what, please, i hope that will never happens. (Maybe that's just because i read too many creepypastas?) But say, what else can make me feel afraid? I must have been gone through the worse, and i should survive this surgery even though i'm not sure because i have issues with my health... wait, am i really ready to die? I'm just really tired. This is the worst midterms ever. I had an irritation. My skin and lips feel itchy. I'm having flu and sore throat. I'm just, tired. Tired of all. I don't know how to tell anyone at school if i skipped school from surgery, they will blame me either if i don't tell them, i only tell some, or tell them all. Yeah they basically make fun of everything and i don't trust them so i actually don't want to tell anyone at school. All of these thoughts make me restless and tired. You wouldn't understand that. I don't know what to do.

K i have to sleep because it's 11:01pm and i have school tomorrow bye

Wednesday, 23 September 2015

King for a day

Yo i've been really busy lately. I've got a good news and a bad news. The good news is that now i'm no longer a nerdie who didn't join any events, organizations, or extracurricular at school. The bad news is; Which is kinda sad.

I didn't remember when it all started, but i'm in a band now. Officially, i guess. All this time i had just been being in fangirl/fanboy-based band. Well actually when i was on the first grade, i knew that my class got musical talent —not all of the people, underline that. Just most of the people— especially nice voices. That was great, so we could sing and play guitar together most of the time. So i didn't look like a total useless loner. And they had an idea to have a class soundcloud so we could do covers, so i made them a soundcloud (don't be surprised, they didn't even appreciate me for that). And at the end of the year somehow i had a fangirl-based acoustic band which covers mostly one ok rock songs. We got close even i still think that i'm the most left out one, because i don't like kpops.

And on the second grade, there was a huge school event for our school's 50th anniversary, with isyana sarasvati as guest star, and the commitee arranged a band selection to perform in that event. I didn't join the selection because i had already felt tired with all of the school stuffs that i had to deal with (school starts on 6:30am, go home at 2pm everyday except sunday, and rumour says that we'll still have scout every saturday which means we'll go home at around 5pm every saturday, and plus major struggle in catching up with the lessons that i missed because i have to skip schools weekly because of my illness). But after my class' band passed the selection, cacak, my closest friend in the band asked me to join them. We only had 5 days left so we practiced everyday until night at the studio to perform 3 songs. It was really tiring. And troublesome. They liked to make everything seems so complicated.

The event had done. Not really bad, i guess. I didn't have any documentations because well who would photograph me. At the moment i feel like i'm not a band member, i'm only a guitarist to the vocal group (we had 4 singers). I asked them to send me a pic, just a fricking picture. I don't care if i don't look prominent in the photo just please, send me a picture. They always had their excuses so i don't have one until now. It fricking hurts. No lie. Why is it so hard for them to send me a picture? I had always been feeling like i wouldn't get along with them, but this problem got me felt worse.

Then after the event just done, we only had 6 days left for other school's event, an acoustic band competition. We split up into two bands and having new members for the bands. Kinda hard to find a nice cajon player. Our biggest problem. We had to perform 2 songs, one was a traditional song that they chose, and an optional songs which we had to choose. And from all of the songs, my band chose rather be by clean bandit. We had to do the arrangement to make it acoustic, don't you know? I know the vocalists wanted it so bad so i patiently asked them to choose other song for a back up song, but they didn't. Well. I tried hard to play it and yeah i made it. The performance didn't feel good and we didn't win so i'll skip that part. By the way here we had official managers.

After the competition was done, we asked by other class' student to be a guest star in our tiny school event but we skipped that because we couldn't come. And next, my senior who is a radio broadcaster, asked us to have an interview and perform one song in one of the big radio in my town. We accepted it, and through the interview (only with the vocalists) they sounded like they were really arrogant and way too self-confident that made me kind of uncomfortable. But that was okay. We performed. Just not our best performance. A little bit out of tune at some parts.

I still have an event left, a big one too. And i just got an offer by my friend who was a commitee in the acoustic band competition that i mentioned earlier. A big apartment in our town would hold an event and it wanted to invite some bands to perform, with payment, without a competition. They asked my said friend to give them the list of acoustic band on the competition. She told me to tell my managers, but i still hestitate to do that.

First, i don't think that our band is great enough. Second, my friend wouldn't appreciate me for that. Ikr that they're a bit egoistic. I DO want to perform, because i can get payment and experience, but not, please, i don't want to perform with them. Honestly. Tbh i kind of scared to say all of this here (this entire blog should be read only after i die) but hey i have freedom to speak up my mind. They don't even think what i felt all this time. They don't understand what i had been going through for them.

What i'm trying to say here is that i'm confused with my current band. All this time they only come to me when they need something. I do all my best too to perform with them because it's also my dream. Home is supposed to be a place where my heart is, but this isn't home. They left me out. I did what they told me to do, i did the arrangement, i practiced hard, i did all i could for them. They don't even seem to realize that. It hurts me the most. I'm not saying that they can't do it without me (well maybe yes tbh), but i'm saying that if only i'm strong enough to say this, i can have a better band, and it's not them. Who needs who? I may sound arrogant, but for this time, i won't be dragged low by you all, in my specialty. But i won't leave this band. I really want to leave, and there are a lot of stories of how they hurt me most of the times, but let's be honest i also need them to keep me going with my social life. These kind of things kill me alive.

Plis this little section wants to tell you my songs of the month:
Sekai no owari - anti hero
Korn - hater
Hello sleepwalkers - goya no machiawase
And a little bit info that i'm learning german autodidact.
And i may have a surgery after midterms. Nobody knows that yet yay.

I know i shouldn't talk bad about my own bands. But i couldn't help it so let me be. I've been nice. My band is also great, underline that. Thanks to them. Or with a little addition, it should be if you didn't read this post. I'm sorry.

I'm going to continue rewatch the walking dead i only have 3 days left before midterms bye (p.s. I've been studying hard and i never cheated on my tests so i have the rights of having bad grades [which is never, thanks to god] and having fun with my favorite stuffs (anime, movies, foods, fanfics, webtoons, mangas, driving/riding alone, etc)

Saturday, 29 August 2015


I just arrived at home after a singing competition (karaoke competition?). I'm not always like to tell my experience in a competition but now i'm just in the mood so yeah. And like always I FEEL ASHAMED I FEEL LIKE I DIDN'T DO MY BEST I WASN'T GOOD ENOUGH WHY DID I JOIN THE CONTEST??

So, on 10 august naya sent me a pamphlet of a japanese singing selection for a big event in my town, jogja japan week. She asked me to sing duet with her. I wasn't sure at first (the judging criteria was performance, vocal, and pronounciation), but then i was like, "hell yeah why don't just give it a try? She knows what my voice like, though." I like to try new things and i'm okay with that. She sent me the song and we agreed to sing departure by scandal. I took haruna's part and naya took the tomomi's part. I listened to the song to memorize the lyrics.

At 19 august i got sick, like always, cough and influenza. I tried to maintain my healt before it got worse, but like always, it didn't work. At around 21 august i gave up and asked naya if she had signed us up for the competition and she said no because she thought that i maybe sick and she already noticed that i wouldn't get better for around 2 weeks. Also she didn't want to perform solo. It eased me. But after that we still tried to sing it together.

At around 23(?) august she told me that it was clear she wasn't going to go because she would have to attend one of our senior's invitation to her sweet seventeen party. But then at the evening she told me that probably we would still perform because her mom and her sensei (which one of the committee) expected her to. And days passed and we haven't signed ourselves and attend the technical meeting. But somehow one day before the competition she has done them all thanks to her.

By the way, 4 days ago it started to be really busy, school have additional time so it starts on 6:30am every monday-friday. I went to a doctor since i didn't get better (not even now) and got antibiotics and codeine. I'm getting sick and worried if i consume too much medicines while i'm sick so often the virus/bacteria/or even my own immune system is getting harder to control since antibiotics possibly make a mutan bacteria. I felt sleepy every morning, i mean, really sleepy that i can't handle it, because i found out that i have to consume the codeine twice a day which mean every morning and evening. I guess the codeine is for my sore throat but isn't a sleeping drugs mean to put me in sleep condition (forcing the nerves to sleep) so the medicines can work better? What if i feel sleepy and force myself to not sleep? Kind of disturbing to think.

Today, after school, me, naya, cacak, and chika (4Sinners fullteam woo!) went to jogja expo centre. We lost a bit so we came to the place a little bit late. I felt thirsty so while naya signed us up, me and chika went around the food court looking for hot orange juice. But they said it wasn't available so i just ordered a hot tea. I regretted it as soon as i tasted it. My throat feels dry and itchy. I told them but i tried to keep looking calm.

I saw people around and thought, damn cool otakus here? Some of them dressed up like visual kei and there we were, me wearing a black bmth shirt and jeans, and naya wearing her one ok rock tshirt plus jeans and jeans jacket. By the way actually we wanted to perform in our scout uniform because we were too lazy but finally we changed because cacak and chika insisted to. I forgot to comb my hair and took off my glasses so there i was like a nerd metalhead in the wrong place.

Finally it came to our turn (gosh i don't want to remember the detail so i'm typing fast hoping i would forget it soon). It was my first time, i guess. I joined so many competition i couldn't remember (don't ask why i still have my stage fever and being shy, idk). The mc called our name and we entered the stage. I noticed it when i started singing not my entire voice came out, like i didn't sing the full part of the sentences but i didn't do anything about it. I saw people litterally was looking and laughing at me. Even the judges, which one of them is a cool hot nihonjin B') and then naya whispered softly "at least do anything even just a bit" then i just realized that i was standing frozen the entire time dammit!

So the final result is, we left the place as soon as we finished our performance. I saw the video of our performance which chika recorded and i feel like i wamt to punch my face. I litteraly just stood there without even moving my feet or hands, and my voice was so low and couldn't be heard and even when it's heard it sounds like i don't pronounce the entire sentence.. "sa-ra-no-ki--suga--tane" ew now i know why people laughed at me. Naya was moving around and sang loud and clearly while me beside her like a fricking potato. I'm used to be embarassed in a competition or performance, but i usually bear the shame by myself, now i feel guilty to naya. Thank god she could understand and she didn't blame me and she heard my entire voice beside her, even it wasn't come out from the ampli.

Thank cacak and chika for supporting us at that time and for recording the video. I didn't join my class' band for the school event saf supernova because i was sick but thank god they passed and they will perform on the event. It would be awesome to be able to meet isyana sarasvati backstage, duh. I even rejected the school theatre to play the guitar.

Now i have one performance left, in other school's event, which in my class it's divided into 2 groups, and i'm the only 4sinners member who's apart, sadly. But it's okay though, i don't hope too much for this since i'm not really clique with the other people in my group and i'm the only one who can play instrument well. I dislike this idea right from the start because the other classmates are 80% vocalists, and now they expect me to play guitar for them and join many competitions without many jamming time while they can just sing easily. Don't blame me. We weren't even close at the first place, how could i teach you all, i won't even be able to speak up my opinion! Oh yeah it's better that they make use of me than being useless, isn't it?

I'm eating a bowl of instant hot curry ramen idc anymore about my throat duh

Sunday, 16 August 2015


I have a lot of things to say since Saturday was a rough mental breakdown for me but i won't say much at least now because i've got monthly flu (my immune system has been always bad) rn and it hurts for me to stare the screen for a long time, yet my grammie ask me to book an airplane ticket online and taking care of the stuffs when i got the problem that my printer stuck with my PC where my PC had reached it's point where it's getting too old it becomes so slow :') I think school told us to attend the ceremony today but i'm not really sure where... Maybe at my school? Idk? I skip school today. And when the entire neighborhood play traditional games at the road right in front of my house it kind of suck to just stay inside my blanket.

Trust me, i do have a high nationality. I do love this country, i just... hate most of the people. Whether it's people around me or the famous people. This country has a lot of issues with the people. I love the ideology and anything, but just the government ruin it all. Maybe we can't blame the government only, but most of the indonesians. I even blame myself for not be able to change anything and just rant here or argue with my awesome grandparent about politics etc. Like do you know that moment when you think "why don't somebody do it" then realize you are a somebody? I tried my best tho. But as a kid i'm already a good indonesian, i guess. I study hard. Always obey the laws. Except well, i learned how to ride a motorcycle and car before i got my driver's licence (hey this is average and i'm doing it for good! And only that)

I hate my friends who said things like, "i'm ashamed to be an indonesian" "i hate flag ceremony" "what's the point of singing the national anthem everyday at school" "if there is a war here they better prepare me a safe house" etc. WTH DUDE YOU MAKE A HOUSE ON THE LAND OF THIS COUNTRY YOU BREATHE FROM THE AIR YOU EAT FROM THE FOODS PRODUCED BY THIS COUNTRY IF YOU DON'T WANT TO FIGHT FOR YOUR LAND YOU BETTER MOVE THAT'S IF YOU CAN HAVE A BETTER LIFE. And about flag ceremony, come on, i'm the one who got headache everytime school held flag ceremony and i have always almost passed out what's up with that attitude. I'm not trying to impress the teacher or anyone because i don't want to either, i just feel proud doing that kind of thing. Lately the celebration of independence day is somehow less enthusiastic and it's kind of sad. National holidays are just merely holidays, etc. It's really sad.

I wanted to change this country for a better place, like really, i feel like i'd die happily in a shot of bullet through my heart in the middle of the war but I NEVER WISHED FOR A WAR I HATE WAR PLEASE STOP WARS AND MAKE A WORLD IN A BETTER PLACE. I wrote about conscription since i was on the 8th grade because i wanted to join a semi military school but i have health issue so no.

Looks like it's the end of this post. I'm going to go back resting. HAPPY INDEPENDENCE DAY INDONESIA! I HOPE YOU'LL BE A WAY BETTER COUNTRY! And idk what's going on yet but there's a slogan for this 70th anniversary which says AYO KERJA!

Saturday, 8 August 2015

Goodbye cool pics

Today was shitty. Probably i'll always use that sentence because i only write blogs when i want to rant.

Sorry i may not continue the Death post, i'll save it for later. I don't know that if i make changes for a post it will be posted as the newest post or the same as the first time i published it?

Anyway, i saw my friends were looking at my photo this morning. I went to starbucks and i took a picture there and use it as my line profile pic. I got a panic attack when i slightly saw one of the girls put an iphone in the table and zoomed my fucking picture. I'm not surprised, really. But at the moment i was like "oh great, they just fucking zoomed my fucking profile pic and i fucking bet they has just talked about me." About what? "Ew just what is she trying to do? Make people be impressed by the fact that she went to starbucks and wore chokers and act like a boss?" i feel like i can't be my  own self around people. I've put my instagram on private but what the heck they still do that like did you fucking stalk me? First, i rarely smile in a selfie. Second, starbucks is my favorite beverages. Third, i collect chokers. Fourth, i don't think that after i cut my hair to a boy haircut like this i'm banned for wearing girly clothes or jewelery. Clothes has no gender! The only thing matters is that people cover their aurat or not and in this matter i don't wear hijab at the first time and don't start to judge me again because you go to school wearing hijab and post selfies showing your hair! This is not the problem, i'm not like, oh, once you cover your aurat you have to cover them always! No, people can progress! (fact: i wear hijab (messily because i'm not good in putting that stuffs) everytime there's islamic class at school and just that, but i don't limit myswlf that if i still a total sinner i can't be putting my hijab at all, no! I'll wear it if i want&can, it's like i'm syaing that if you still gossip about others, you can't do shalat. No, i guess everyone can try to be better slowly. You know nobody is perfect).Fifth, i do understand that i'm a weirdo, i wear weird clothes with uncommon style. So what? Did i hurt your eyes? Sixth, there are a lot of more people with the same or worse pictures on their social medias, so let me be! There's only 3 people from school who knows my instagram feeds. They're trustworthy, hopefully.

*brb grabbing a matcha kitkat*

Back to the story. After that, she slide the pic and continuing seeing other photos in their camera roll. Then i'm back from my panic attack. I tried to hold back tears of anger but after knowing something like that i can never look at them the same way anymore. Idc if they act nice in front of me, and i act nice back, after i find the truth i can't like them anymore. I can't trust them at all. My entire day had just ruined. I sat on my place alone all day. I thought that i can put my instagram on private until some time and i can accept their request and if they blame me i can just say, "come on, it's already done. It's in the past, even before you can see them, so let it be." but this has got the best of me. I'm going to delete all my instagram posts and start a new feed, abstract maybe, with vscocam filters, like the popular girls do, idk what or when, maybe i'll give it sometimes so if someone finds out, it doesn't look like i suddenly delete my lovely annoying pictures that i kept since i was on the 8th grade which means 4 years ago. Plus i tried to act cool to them (as always and it fucking hurts, and i can't tell anyone about this either). Maybe i'm going to screenshot them all and make a private album on my old pathetic facebook. Oh this is hard for me. I want to stand up and fight back, but i just retreat. And i know that this isn't assuring that everything will be fine after this. Every steps that i take is another mistake to others. Honestly i feel like i'm doing the right thing by not doing what people want me to do, so i'm different. I'm not trying to impress anyone. I know i can never be. I'll be keep disappointed if i expect happiness from others. But at least, i'll make them have less about me to blame or gossip or just talk about.

"you laugh at me because i'm different, i laugh at you because you're all the same." - Kurt Cobain.

I'll insert the said photo, but i zoomed it out so you can't see my ugly face. And plus i hate it because it makes me reminded of today (hey this thing is not the only thing that ruins today). i don't care that you can't see the pic or what, but if you think that "ah this is just an ordinary/average photo" no! I even looked 1037462010 times more cool in starbucks and that style :') oh goodbye clear purple-ish filters, i may just put fade filters in instagram from now on even with the fact that fade feeds hurt my eyes :')

Saturday, 1 August 2015


Death. This is one of the most endless topic that's always going on in my mind that no one will ever be able to explain it. This is not my entire thoughts of the main topic, just like my other posts. And this is also related to religions and beliefs so i tried my best not to be offensive. (But hey this is what i believe and i've never done anything wrong with yours)

Anyway i just finished watching death parade and it gave me so much thoughts and feels ;-; i've always kinda scared of death —even though i've always said that i want to die (not commit suicide, simply just to end my life peacefully... I know i can't) i'm still scared, and i never said jokes about death, it's a serious matter— plus they choose a conflict with the mother's protagonist, plus they made decim cry why why why ;-; the feels this anime gave me is almost similar to kuroshitsuji, i think? I plan on watching sankarea and jigoku shoujo c:

Why am i scared of death

Things experienced death


I'm watching mister tukul jalan-jalan now it's a unpopular (around me) supernatural reality show (kinda), what a life. This is how a loner spends saturday night. Alone. Yeah i prefer to think that i'm alone because i do know that i'm not alone... At least now... With something i can't see... Or not. I feel like i'm being watched and start to feel uncomfortable. Everyone is asleep and i'm here alone watching paranormals communicating with ghosts, being possesed by the ghosts and bla bla bla~ i swear this is just for my entertaintment. Oh the little sister is coming thank god! She's braver than me tho. So i don't have to turn off the lamp and close the curtain alone because i usually imagined reflections on the window. Okay it's 00:01 now i'm officially a badass for having a "one night stand". I skipped the topic's content and i'll continue it tomorrow because i'm going to try to sleep because my paranoia is coming out rn. Bye.

Monday, 27 July 2015

Me as a psychologist?

I've had so many dreams of my future life since i was a kid, well daydreaming is one of a thing that i'm good at. Daydreaming, night thinking. Terrible because i had problems in focusing my mind. Is that what's called adhd?

Today didn't go well i had schedule arrangement which is really disappointing for me. Isn't everything you said disappointing for you? Oh no this is a place for me to rant and not to grace god for all the good things in my life because trust me, i'm really grateful of everything, but sometimes i just need some time to accept the reality. And besides i don't want to sound like bragging myself. Altan was calling eleven times and tagging me on his instagram photos crying over school (i feel you bruh!) and we both triggered because he said he wanted to die and i tried so hard not to tell him that i feel the same and i want to do the same so he won't assume that it's okay to kill or cut himself (tried to hold back bestfriends-weepings as hard as not using bad words on my blog posts). The teachers were also arranged and my social anxiety came out badly too. I have no moodbooster at school. Someone please send me to a school with night class so i can have some moodboosters... Mm hot purebloods. DAMN YOU ADHD I'M TRYING TO FOCUS! (or blame kaname kuran bc i'm currently reading vk manga)

So i wanted to be a teacher, a pilot, an astronaut, a soldier, a scientist, a film director, a guitarist (well i'm a guitar player now and i've.....rejected like 4 invitation to be a guitarist in a band this year.... But i mean i wanted to be a pro guitarist for a famous rock band, you know), a writer, and some other jobs but i don't remember what are them. One of them is to be a psychologist.

The reason is i've experienced so many mental states since i was kid... Parents divorced, severe bullying, hallucination, childs rehab stuffs, etc. And once my mom took me to a place to find my hidden talents like what ugh i don't know what's the name i mean it's not the institution's name because i never mention stuffs like that (this blog is my personal opinion, experiences, and never meant to mock other people/institution) but DAMN IT'S a place to get to know your potentials and hidden talents using your fingerprints damn it's the simplest that i can say. And on the result there was a potential for me to be a psychologist. I don't know why was i happy because of that i should think that i can't even handle myself how could i help others? Burden. I became more realistic now too that i'm in the social program instead of science program at school so i can't be some of them. (additional story, i wanted to apply to a military high school but the only thing that matters is my health conditions)

Everytime i went to a therapist, or consultant, or whatever you called it i always thought that hey, everybody could take a psychology major at college. So they might not a person with an ability to ubderstand people, maybe not based from personal experiences or empathy, but based from theories they have learned, maybe? I guess mental problems kind of hard to explain. I've read soo many articles about mental disorders but they seem just to talk about it on the surface. Of course the symptoms will be various and never be exactly the same. Me and some of my friends who have met the psycholodist know, that the only person who can save ouselves is our own self. Well and god, obviously, because i believe nothing can happen without god's blessing. I never really see any useful advices that she gave to me. But thanks to her at least i know. I won't be saying that psychologists are only there for money. That's rude and it's not completely true. Maybe the problem is in me with my high level anxiety, i can't receive any suggestion that i can't even suggest myself.

Maybe i should go try a hypnotherapy? Clear your mind, left only one thing on your mind.... For a person like me it's not going to happen i guess. Is that even working? Okay done with this self mindblowing post. Actually i feel like i never done blogging or otherwise i should be stop blogging at some point. I'm not perfect. I'm confused. I don't have any summary because i don't even know what's this post about. Other than that, i will always be here anytime for a moral support for everyone, i tried and i'm still trying and i will always try to help anyone in needs if i can because i do know and understand how it feels to feel alone, depressed, unwanted, unloved, and those sad dark feelings. You're not alone, fighters & warriors (even though i keep saying i'm a lone survivor by that i just mean i'm a loner........not really, i face and bear anyhthing by myself, it's right). My eyes shoulders and fingers are hurt. I'm going to watch noragami.

P.s. I have time to blog because i guess we won't have regular classes tomorrow.