Monday, 27 July 2015

Me as a psychologist?

I've had so many dreams of my future life since i was a kid, well daydreaming is one of a thing that i'm good at. Daydreaming, night thinking. Terrible because i had problems in focusing my mind. Is that what's called adhd?

Today didn't go well i had schedule arrangement which is really disappointing for me. Isn't everything you said disappointing for you? Oh no this is a place for me to rant and not to grace god for all the good things in my life because trust me, i'm really grateful of everything, but sometimes i just need some time to accept the reality. And besides i don't want to sound like bragging myself. Altan was calling eleven times and tagging me on his instagram photos crying over school (i feel you bruh!) and we both triggered because he said he wanted to die and i tried so hard not to tell him that i feel the same and i want to do the same so he won't assume that it's okay to kill or cut himself (tried to hold back bestfriends-weepings as hard as not using bad words on my blog posts). The teachers were also arranged and my social anxiety came out badly too. I have no moodbooster at school. Someone please send me to a school with night class so i can have some moodboosters... Mm hot purebloods. DAMN YOU ADHD I'M TRYING TO FOCUS! (or blame kaname kuran bc i'm currently reading vk manga)

So i wanted to be a teacher, a pilot, an astronaut, a soldier, a scientist, a film director, a guitarist (well i'm a guitar player now and i've.....rejected like 4 invitation to be a guitarist in a band this year.... But i mean i wanted to be a pro guitarist for a famous rock band, you know), a writer, and some other jobs but i don't remember what are them. One of them is to be a psychologist.

The reason is i've experienced so many mental states since i was kid... Parents divorced, severe bullying, hallucination, childs rehab stuffs, etc. And once my mom took me to a place to find my hidden talents like what ugh i don't know what's the name i mean it's not the institution's name because i never mention stuffs like that (this blog is my personal opinion, experiences, and never meant to mock other people/institution) but DAMN IT'S a place to get to know your potentials and hidden talents using your fingerprints damn it's the simplest that i can say. And on the result there was a potential for me to be a psychologist. I don't know why was i happy because of that i should think that i can't even handle myself how could i help others? Burden. I became more realistic now too that i'm in the social program instead of science program at school so i can't be some of them. (additional story, i wanted to apply to a military high school but the only thing that matters is my health conditions)

Everytime i went to a therapist, or consultant, or whatever you called it i always thought that hey, everybody could take a psychology major at college. So they might not a person with an ability to ubderstand people, maybe not based from personal experiences or empathy, but based from theories they have learned, maybe? I guess mental problems kind of hard to explain. I've read soo many articles about mental disorders but they seem just to talk about it on the surface. Of course the symptoms will be various and never be exactly the same. Me and some of my friends who have met the psycholodist know, that the only person who can save ouselves is our own self. Well and god, obviously, because i believe nothing can happen without god's blessing. I never really see any useful advices that she gave to me. But thanks to her at least i know. I won't be saying that psychologists are only there for money. That's rude and it's not completely true. Maybe the problem is in me with my high level anxiety, i can't receive any suggestion that i can't even suggest myself.

Maybe i should go try a hypnotherapy? Clear your mind, left only one thing on your mind.... For a person like me it's not going to happen i guess. Is that even working? Okay done with this self mindblowing post. Actually i feel like i never done blogging or otherwise i should be stop blogging at some point. I'm not perfect. I'm confused. I don't have any summary because i don't even know what's this post about. Other than that, i will always be here anytime for a moral support for everyone, i tried and i'm still trying and i will always try to help anyone in needs if i can because i do know and understand how it feels to feel alone, depressed, unwanted, unloved, and those sad dark feelings. You're not alone, fighters & warriors (even though i keep saying i'm a lone survivor by that i just mean i'm a loner........not really, i face and bear anyhthing by myself, it's right). My eyes shoulders and fingers are hurt. I'm going to watch noragami.

P.s. I have time to blog because i guess we won't have regular classes tomorrow.

Saturday, 25 July 2015

Before back to school

It was a good thing that i had around weeks holiday, really. But now i really don't want to go back to school. I had an anxiety attack since i was back to Yogyakarta, which means 3 days before school. I'll have school tomorrow.

My holiday syndrome isn't recovering yet (being nocturnal, being super lazy, being depressed over nothing certain, etc). I started having flu this morning. Are you serous? From my entire holiday i just started having flu today, right one day before school? Flu, inflamed throat, and gastritis are the most common, hard to recover, disease for me. Eid mubarak this year i ate what the doctor told me not to eat (coconut milk, fried foods, chocolates, sugars, msg, and ices because they can trigger my inflamed throat). And i just woke up after had a nightmanre about school. I woke up trembling. Well, usually if i had nightmares about death or ghosts (the most common ones) or lucid dream (mine is always static running through an dark empty corridor alone asking for help to a light at the end of the corridor but never made it there, if that's called a lucid dream) i rarely get to the point where i was trembling. I usually trembling if i had a real-life-alike dreams, espescially where i had problems with other people. Maybe it has something to do with my social anxiety. Maybe i'll write more about my sleep problems (including dreams and nightmares) in the other post.

You know what? I'm kind of anxious of what if people find out this blog of me ranting about anything i never talked in real life (of course! I don't want to be judged and i don't have any friends to tell about this either), especially from school. You possibly already know that from my last posts. I just found out that this account is maybe connected (synced) to my gmail account which is synced with my google plus. Can anyone there read this? I HOPE NOT, PLEASE. Well i don't think i'm wrong either. There are thousands of people ranting over the internet, as a vlogger or blogger or just via their statuses, why am i wrong? Oh, you have always been wrong. Okay. But i only want this blog to be read when i die :( i thought about this; what if someday i have to get a job or that kind of things related to my carrier that will require a report based on my social medias (i report mine or they just check out mine over google, gosh i have so many social medias), i'm afraid that i won't be accepted.

It's better that i'll back to school as a 2nd grader, so i'm not a junior anymore. I kind of dislike the hierarchy of school (junior and senior thingy) but i'm not sure about it myself, so i'm not going to talk about it further than this. Just, knowing that the 1st grader are going through orientation period (4days-1week usually) kind of makes me anxious or something... Reminds me of my orientation period. Nothing bad happened to me though, but still, i don't like it. I really don't like things that usually we do during orientation period. It seems more like bullying, i guess? It doesn't make any good effect to both the seniors and juniors, in my opinion. But who am i to change this thing. That's okay, i'll go through pressures like this once again when i enter college.

I didn't really go out of my room (at Jakarta, Tangerang, Solo, or Jogja) for about 4 weeks of holiday and tomorrow i have to go socialize with people from school, meet new people there, and go back to studying routine is kind of hard to believe. I mean nooo tomorrow is the gehennaaa! Get me out of this reality. Can i skip a day—or two years? Nah quitting and running away is not my personality. Try to face it as a new challenge. If i can pass it i will be better than the me before. Even sometimes i don't see the difference, i believe that i'm progressing with forcing myself to bear the pressure mentally, physically (i'm just not good emotionally yet). And whoa what a bunch of 'important' informations (re:gossips?) i missed while i was away. Where do i start? Nah for a person like me it's better to not knowing something unnecessary (for myself) so i don't end up overthinking about it. And what about my friends hung out together without me while i was away? No haha that's usual. They just ask me for formality and when i go i'll just sit by my phone all alone so it won't make any differences whether i come or not. This is common for me.

I don't know what else that makes me anxious for the first day of school because i 99% possibly have the same classmates as before. Umm maybe i have a new haircut (CUT MY HAIR A BOY HAIRCUT AFTER MY BIRTHDAY WHEN HOLIDAY AND IT ALREADY GROWS HALFWAY (WHAT'S THE WORD IN ENGLISH WHEN IT GROWS FAST AND SEEMS LONG BUT IT'S STILL SHORT AND I FAR FROM CAN PUT IT TO A PONYTAIL? THAT'S ANNOYING MY WAVY THICK TANGLY HAIR WILL LOOK WORSE) WHICH MAKES PIMPLES OR BLACKHEADS OR EVEN ACNES IDK WHAT THEY ARE APPEAR ON MY FOREHEAD LIKE AN EXCESS OIL AND FAT OH FAT I GUESS I GOT FATTER AFTER EID MUBARAK SO I KIND OF ANXIOUS OF HOW I LOOK AT THE FIRST DAY I'M GOING TO TAKE A NAP TO CALM MYSELF DOWN BYE

Monday, 13 July 2015

Secret fandom

This is my first time doing this kind of thing on my personal. Yes i do have secret accounts but theyre 1037550201746 times more messy than my personal. And i don't take them too seriously. In fact i abandoned all of them ��

And now this fandom tagged me to do this kind of thing. I'm seriously happy because even if i don't know them, internet friends have always been the best and i even got tagged by one of my fangirl senpai accounts, this is awesome. But i don't want my friends from real life, the ones who followed me on my accounts, know i joined fandoms. I'm a lot different in real life, not sociable and really friendly. I'm so awkward when a fandom commented on my pictures. And now she tagged me to do it. I won't disappoint her omg. I post this just for 13 minutes.

Yeah just ranting over my panic attack. I said i want to tell about my instagram on my last post but i didn't feel like doing it so i'll do it when i want to.

Saturday, 11 July 2015

Social media?

I'm enjoying the fact that i don't have many friends in my social media from real life. Internet friends are the best, i guess. Even mira, altan, and all my best friends in real life has a long distance relationship with me over the internet. Maybe one of the reason is i feel better at writing than speaking. I had like all the social medias that i know, but mostly i only do them just for fun, i NEVER had any interest on being internet famous or anything. Mostly my social medias don't exceed 3 followers.

Facebook. This is my earliest social media. I added almost everyone i know. I wrote and uploaded everything. Sucks, but now i kind of like facebook now, my life revived family is there, and facebook is just full of people i like. Right now. Because the popular-wannabe people, has left facebook. I can say i'm still active in facebook, kind of.

Twitter. I had like 3 different accounts. And they're all either suspended or has some errors. Never want to have a twitter account anymore.

Path. It sucks. Inactive. There are popular friends added me there. Didn't accepted.

Ask fm. Full of drama. My account has haters (even when i didn't even have followers????) because i loved bands. They said i was a satanist or stuffs like that. Some friends found out. Never want to open my ask fm anymore.

Youtube. Simply just to subscribe youtubers i like. Bunny, ryan higa, etc. Active, kind of.

Vine. Posted me videoing myself and all of my craziness? Had only 2 followers from real life. Inactive, kind of.

Tumblr. Simply just to had it and reblogged anything i want. I prefer blogger because i feel more... Safe(?) here doesn't have the friends thingy, does it? I can rant whatever i want. And plus everyone thinks tumblr girl as gorgeous and perfect girls while me as the real tumblr girl was a nerdie staying up in front of the pc tumblring weird stuffs, creepypastas, bands, anime, facts (tumblr ia full of "amazing" facts), etc. Inactive, kind of.

Soundcloud. Same as youtube and vines, i just use it to upload my recordings. Ah, these kind of self pleasure. Active, kind of.

Instagram. THIS. I have so much to rant about instagram. I'll post later.

Monday, 29 June 2015

#JMHO: アニメ

Review of my recent anime first. I'm currently watching kaichou wa maid sama eps 27. It's nothing compared to eps 26 ;-; i'm taking too long to watch it because i watch it together with fate stay night because i hate having feels from usui. I don't have any feels with fate stay night which is kind of weird. Argh kaichou wa maid sama get finished already because i want to forget you soon i hope there's no season 2 (or i hope not, i'm not sure because we don't know what will happen to hinata ;-;). So i've read kaichou wa maid sama manga when i was in middle school. And tbh i did get the feels at the time. And now i'm watching the anime i feel like my head's going to explode usui is so sweet and misaki is so clueless why do i get these kinds of tortures omg

Mostly my favorite anime is action/scifi/supernatural genre. I don't really like to watch slice of life or school life or romance anime because at the time i watch the anime i'll feel rather bored, sad, empty, lonely, hopeless, or even depressed. I do watch them anyway. As long as i remembered i watched anohana, barakamon, danshi koukousei, tamako market, angel beats (its got the action too), chuunibyou (hah i do realize i ever had chuunibyou), mahouka koukou (action. BROCON THO! I CAN'T HANDLE THESE TYPE OF CHARACTERS, WAY TOO PERFECT) and some more. I often stream short anime on the daily anime website and i have problem with remembering names and titles.

Fav type of chara. The cool, reliable type guy. Or the caring ones. Loner. Soft, sad girls. Loli. Gothic loli. Tsundere. Here are some chara that i remember. Fav cool guy chara: usui (ofc) from kaichou wa maid sama, L from death note, sebastian from kuroshitsuji, shiba tatsuya from mahouka koukou, kougami shinya from psychopass, levi ackerman from shingeki no kyojin, naru from ghost hunt, sasuke uchiha from naruto, touji from tokyo ravens, nine from zankyou no terror, guren ichinose from owasera. These smart, hot, cool, quiet guys just way too perfect omg. Once they love someone they'll be cute and caring even sometimes they don't show it in a sweet way (from my description they sound like yandere -_-).  Caring guy type: kirito from sao, hinata from kaichou wa maid sama, twelve from zankyou no terror, kuroko from kuroko no basuke, naruto uzumaki. Eh i don't know these type of chara usually caring inside but sometimes they're just clueless when someone likes them. Wait. But even the loner types usually being a loner just because they think that they care and love too much so they don't want to get hurt anymore (so me), aren't they? Loner type: hikigaya hachiman from oregairu, sora and shiro from no game no life, misaki mei from another, the main male chara on mekaku city actors(?), jintan from anohana. Soft&sad girls, loli, gothic loli: i don't remmeber the names because many of them is not main chara. Tsundere: misaki from kaichou wa maid sama, and others you can easily find them in harem. Mostly tmy fav chara are protagonist, even not the main chara.

Fav soundtrack. I love all soundtracks, openings and endings, of pysco pass, aldnoah zero, owari no seraph and guilty crown. Because they're either composed by hiroyuki sawano (his musics are pretty good), or brought by egoist or supercell. Black rock shooter soundtracks are also brought by supercell but featuring hatsune miku if i'm not mistaken. Ling tosite sigure and fear, and loathing is las vegas are my favorite also. But there are countless of anime soundtrack that i saved. Mostly sad songs, either slow or rock, because mostly they are the beautiful ones.

Fav anime. SO MANY ANIME. Almost all anime that i watched but —i have an infinite amount of anime that i've watched and it's still getting more. The pending ones are not counted. Here's my top anime: psycho pass, oregairu, guilty crown, owari no seraph, zankyou no terror, kuroshitsuji, shingeki no kyojin, aldnoah zero, tokyo ravens, naruto (the oldest one. I've watched one piece, bleach, beelzebub, fairytail, dragon ball, pokemon, inuyasha, tsubasa, and samurai x but none of them i really follow the story). Hope i don't miss my favorite anime. They all represent my favorite genres, i guess. Except for oregairu maybe? That's an exception. I love moral value of slice of life, romance, and school life anime but i don't usually likes them.  But i really like the different mindset of oregairu. I personally like the story that reflects myself or my life ;-; oh yeah i just reminded that misaki's parent got divorced too

Fav otp. Fav one is hikigaya x yukinon. They're cute in a strange way. Don't expect me to ship couples like usui x misaki or jintan x menma or tamako x mochizou or futaba x kou please i'm trying so hard. Oh my other normal otp is yuunoa. I like weird couples. Unorthodox. And sometimes i ship all the harem member with the main chara as well (so many otp in one anime because usually the harem member have different relationship with the main chara). The rest, let me see. I won't admit that i'm a fujoshi, but i like making otp out of boys. Like sebastian x ciel, kuroko x kagami, nine x twelve, mikayuu, hikigaya x totsuka, yuu x yoichi, hinata x usui (wait how did i ship a rival in . I can like the brotherhood-like, or one caring - one not (don't know how to explain duh). In fact i'll never let my self watch boku no pico........or not yet. I've read 19 days manhwa and tbh i like it (dear God i'm sorry). I have 2 seasons junjou romantica but i haven't watched it yet. can't stand hardcore doujinshi. That's okay if you're a hardcore fujoshi but i'm sorry i don't want my anime hiatus become even harder ;-;

So that's all. Like i said for some reason i don't even check my post before posting it, i'm sorry if i made any mistake. Every post is just my personal opinion. I just type whatever get in my head. It doesn't matter if no one understands or whatever. And i've liked anime and since i was young (remember monday cartoons on tv? Woooooo) so please don't call me weaboo, senpai (no one ever, thankfully) ;-; and i still obsessed over (western) bands. All i do is watch anime during holiday, anyways. Oh and my one ok rock and anime obsession became even worse after i met the fangirls in high school.
I don't like, i obsess.

P.s.: this can be changed without any announcement.

Sunday, 28 June 2015

EMPATHY PROBLEM

I know that have the ability to understand (about almost everything i get) more and that's a little bit disturbing. I can watch/read/listen/do something and feel absolutely the same thing as what people in there feel. For example, this is the most frequent; i can cry (YES, I CRY) just by seeing some kids in the traffic, or an old man sleeping on the side of the road at night, and stuffs like that. I can cry ( YES I FUCKING CRY) just by reading the news on the tv or newspaper. I can cry (YES I FUCKING CRY EVERYTIME OH MY GOD) VERY SINGLE DAMN TIME I LISTEN TO SAD SONGS OR SAD MOVIES OR SAD ANIME. Sometimes it doesn't even a sad movie. Once the good character died or being so suffered, i'll definitely cry. I cried while watching harry potter. Duedue bruh i know how it feels to be bullied ;-; i cried while watching anime. Most people will still understand if i cry over some sad movies like TFIOS, or anime like anohana, ao haru ride, but i even cry while watching a sci-fi movie or comedy anime. This is an exception for anime, i think i always got the feels (SHIT I GOT THE FEELS) at the end of every anime (i've watched like over 500 different anime and 200 different manga and thousands of different movies and novels and i've listened to more than 12.345 songs based on how many i own in my pc). Or maybe i just feel depressed because i have nothing to do after that (this happens a lot)? I cried over DANSHI KOUKOUSEI NO NICHIJOU OH GOSH  SLAP ME IN THE FACE (i'll slap you back). Even barakamon has something to cry over. But danshi koukousei? Maybe it's because of their solidarity? While i'm here having no friends? Idk. (tbh i'm a bit offended everytime i see a person having fun with his/her friend, or about school life, i don't have one. EVEN HIKIGAYA HAS THE RIGHT FRIENDS IN THE END! I'M SO OFFENDED! But if hikigaya doesn't get friends maybe i'll just cry because i do know how he feels.) oh but danshi koukousei, it can be because the soundtrack. The lyrics is damn idek if i'm just offended or i feel happy or sad i don't know what i exactly feel most of the time. The feels i got over aoharuride is the same as kaichou wa maid sama, i guess. The feels i got over anohana and tfios is also the same simply because the main character died.
I'm grateful but i'm not proud of having this empathy. I've got enough of it. I can't even handle my tears. Or feelings. This is not good, most people who not really know me think that i'm a crybaby if they see me cry. My highschool friend was like, omg this is the first time. I can't even imagine you cry! (no that's only tears wetting my eyes and redness around my nose you don't know my worst type of crying all alone) Sometimes i prefer not to really focused on what we watched, but still after we split up, i think baout it and feel sad again and cry.
Anyway las episode of KNB season 3 tho i'm not sure if they'll have the next season or not because the last thing i got was as "see you". Don't leave me kuroko ;-; crap feels just let go of myself already! It feels damn hurt for my heart.

Don't ever think i check my grammar and such things at the end of my every post.

Friday, 26 June 2015

US historical day

So i heard today gay marriage is legalized in every state in the US? So i don't support it, and i don't ban it either. I seriously don't have any problem with that. I met so many nice and kind "gay" people. Some people say it's their rights. But in my personal opinion, there are still any other important problems with equality and human rights that has to be solved. Wars and discriminations are still exist. But really, this is good for some reasons. Let's mind our own business.